Maybe I should lay off the nature porn. I have been trying to squeeze so much (hiking, swimming, photographing, camping - all things nature) into my days, I am probably about to make my brain explode by flooding it into my insomnia as well. I think I am just so excited and its a thirst that can’t ever be fully quenched.
I’m living on a street corner, sitting in a hand built a frame in the rain, with about 200$ in my bank account… emailing three people about enrolling in school, buying a car, and a motorcycle in less than a month. Work work work, make it happen. Hustle lifestyle.
this is all i will be seeing until the 25th. it will be a bit fuller and emptier of trees at times, more decroated as soon as the rain stops, dry, wet, covered in snow, packed with families, or looking like a strange ghost town. but this is all i will be seeing until the 25th. i love this time of year, the weather elements, the cold. admiring it is one thing, living in it as well, but working in it and dealing with it 24 hours a day is another. every inch of my clothing is soaked from taking in a delivery last night and that wont be changing anytime soon. people forget what a luxury it can be to simply go home. this is all i will be seeing until the 25th. dont get me wrong, i love it. but this is a yearly test for myself mentally, physically, and in my interactions with the general public. this year, i will likely try and work on my mindset by admiring tons of very cold feeling photographs to channel the positive attributes of my environment.
My biggest push for being motivated to get my jewelry line up and running again was I was launching it on Nov. 7th when I participated in the From the Black Lodge pop up show I was helping set up here in New Orleans, with artists, Adelina Mictlan, Bloodmilk, and more. Sadly, they ran into van trouble and had to call off the rest of their tour. I do really, truly, want to switch my focus back to my jewelry and creating, but what you might not know about me through the internet is I am currently working 6 days a week (9+ hr shifts), so finding the time to do so is incredibly difficult. I’ve been running myself into the ground to do so, and shit, I am a good deal closer, but, I am so disappointed that the elusive carrot has been removed to keep me hungry.
I keep not knowing where to start with my film tumblr. I just have my Europe photos posted. Which means I am over a year behind. Do I start with my last roll and work backwards? Start where I left off? I just stare at it regularly, and then close it and leave the house. Or now, its 430 am, so I am complaining to no one in particular.
…although I don’t get alone time, or relaxation time, like I have these last two nights visiting my family. So maybe I should embrace the annoyingness of flooding my internet journal with other peoples photos, because the mood I am feeling is pretty damn beautiful.
Not a usual player in the straight up selfie game, but, one of the small joys I’ve found with any parent visit…. doing my camping laundry and returning to my high school era clothing. —- I can’t go back in time or erase the things I’ve seen I came into this world pure and innocent I’ll leave this world wiser and kicking Who says I gotta act my age I don’t recognize the relevance I’ll never equate the cyclical with the down right cynical old is just a state of mind to which I don’t aspire I plan on staying young until the day that I expire
My main goal of this trip was to remove myself from my stresses, relationships, work routines, disappointments, and just let myself disappear into nature and let myself feel small.
Well, I did that. And it was incredible. I know myself, I know what I need to feel grounded, to feel inspired, to want to take on everything and redirect my energy into what will keep myself in that zone forever.
However, I wish I could have done so at the end of my trip.
Then I went back to Oakland, a city I left because it was depressing to me. There are tons of reasons I love Oakland, and California in general, but the small number of cons still outweighs the enormous number of pros in their effects on my anxiety and lack of community.
Then on to my parents house, where I will be for the next week. I love and adore them, but after my last trip here I was incredibly terrified about the heaviness this trip would bring. It’s interesting to witness that we’ve had role reversals over the years, but I guess its my turn to take the figurative blows. But to my surprise, the first 24 hours have actually been restful, positive, and cooperative. I will be interested to see how this progresses.